Ask Dr Smith

(Orig published in Balance Magazine)

 

Your question answered.

This month a letter has flooded in to me from Mr Ralph Wilson….

“Dear Arthur,

My two greatest pleasures in life have been making money and drinking treacle. Alas, now I have type 2 diabetes I am barred from the treacle, so my question to you is, ‘how can I make money out of diabetes?’”

Dear Ralph,

There are many experts on diabetes and much has been written about the condition but no-one has really addressed this question. So let me be the first. I have 3 proposals:

  1. Open a restaurant.

I have mentioned this idea before and am amazed no-one has tried it (although the fact it would be illegal may have put some investors off). The unique selling point is that on arrival, diners are injected with a small amount of insulin – not enough to do them any harm but enough to ensure that whatever they eat is delicious in a way that, thus far, only a diabetic with low blood sugar can understand.

You will find that your customers will enjoy the thrill of the injection (to be administered by attractive staff dressed in sexy outfits) and shortly afterwards will feel so ravenous that you need make no effort in the kitchen. In fact you won’t need a chef – just some supplies from Morrisons – because, frankly, if you are feeling a bit hypo a cheese sandwich and a banana is a match for any madness dreamed up by Heston Bloomen-silly.

It would soon become the grooviest diner in town and, provided you place your profits off shore, you will have a big wodge to look forward to you when you are released from prison.

  1. Betting on blood sugar readings.

Come on, this is a brilliant idea. You get 6 people with diabetes in a small crowded room and, one after the other, test their blood sugar. The closer the punters are to predicting the result successfully, the more money they make. Also you could bet on a follow up reading after the person eats a bar of chocolate. Imagine the tension in the room during the moments before the reading lights up on a big screen and the cheering and groaning that would greet it. Top entertainment.

3.  Find a cure for it.

I am guessing, Ralph, that you are not a medical man and have no connection with the hard-working scientists who are trying to achieve this goal, but don’t fret – it is the PR that counts. Start a rumour on twitter that you have found a cure, send out a press release (the Express will definitely put it on the front page) then set up a website where you can buy the medicine that does the trick (a few old chopped up leaves). Make sure you have an actor in a bow tie with a stethoscope who endorses the stuff then you need only sit back and count the money.

Ralph, see you in the Cayman Islands and enjoy spring, Arthur

————-

Arthur Smith, At Your Service – 2014 Tour & More – Over Here

2 Responses to “Ask Dr Smith”

  1. christine miles says:

    Dear Arthur

    This is a real thank you from me and daughter Victoria who both enjoyed the Usher Hall last Friday evening courtesy of your generous gesture in offering me free tickets. Not bad in exchange for a pen and a bit of chit chat! We really enjoyed the show (not Phil Jupitus who needs to put the “F” in funny, he was awful) Loved Barry and your goodself, the whole evening was a surprise and a real treat.

    A man who shares his cup cake gift and gives free tickets away as you did is a generous soul. Long may you make us laugh and I will look forward to hearing you on R4 in the near future……….can you introduce me to Robert Peston next time we meet.

    With great affection and thanks…………..Christine Miles aka Mrs Trellis (Barry will know!) Please tell him how good he is (knocked spots off all the others)

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